I feel compelled to make this abundantly clear to all nurses, and non-nurses, who find themselves reading this manifesto. The reality is that when people think of nurturing, they often think of their mom. They expect you, as a nurse, to play the role of THEIR mom. In this situation, you are left with two pathways in front of you:

You can put on the costume of “the Mom” and play that role with most of your patients and clients (because you forgot where the zipper was on the side). You notice how much more emotionally present you are with your patients, how much they rely on you to make decisions about their care, and how much they ‘value’ your opinion. You love hearing the verbal affirmations of how much work you’ve put into nursing them and advocating for them.

But as you continue this for weeks, months, or even years, you begin to feel drained and emotionally empty. What started as nurturing may have turned into scolding and overbearing behavior. Patients, clients, and perhaps even colleagues have noticed how informal and too deeply ingrained you’ve become in your patients' care. You become easily frustrated when a patient doesn’t follow your educational instructions to the letter. You feel compelled to check on them and give unsolicited advice because you’ve “seen this case before.” You start carrying that know-it-all energy, believing that “mother knows best.”

Even your colleagues pull from you emotionally, sharing their career—and often personal—woes, and “asking for your help” on issues that have little to do with your job. You continue in this overbearing role, totally unaware that you’ve now become the ‘Mom’ of the unit. You like the title, but can’t understand why you have little to no life outside of work. You live in this tiring and blissfully ignorant state until one day, you are ‘checked’ by someone younger—or perhaps a more senior colleague—who finally tells you, “Enough.”

 The other path is to place the scarf of The Nurturer around your shoulders. This is the one who listens with gentle eyes and an observant mind, seeing the holistic picture in front of you. You recognize that when they ask for nurturing, they don’t want their mom. They want the grand, all-encompassing spirit of The Nurturer to guide them through their current hardship.

You’re probably reading this and thinking, “Well, I don’t baby my patients, so what’s the big deal?” The big idea is this: it brings your awareness to the unspoken link between being a nurse and embodying both The Nurturer and The Mother. This is something I’ve realized for myself, and it required an active decision to decouple these two powerful forces in order to find peace in nursing. To find harmony within myself as a nurse. To be crystal clear about my boundaries and my empowerment of others to make informed decisions for themselves and their care.

It means advocating sincerely and appropriately—not just for their needs, but also for their wants. Recognizing that I am not playing the role of their mom. I am their nurse. I am their midwife. I am their healthcare provider. I am a resource for them to access, and I’m open to their questions. I am not THE answer, but I am a supporter on their journey to finding their OWN answers. I am not their mom. I am a nurturer.

I want to share with you 5 key points that highlight the difference between The Nurturer and The Mother, and why, as nurses, we must be keenly aware of when to activate the correct role. Doing so will help protect ourselves from the never-ending emotional depletion that can drain our own desires, dreams, and passion for care. It will help us avoid burning out from the care and love we give to others—and from the care we sometimes don’t receive in return.

By making this shift, we can jump off the hamster wheel of burnout, desperation, despair, and frustration. We can create space between ourselves and nursing—a healthy space that promotes healing and renewal. That’s what the Ideal Job Manifesto is about. It’s the anchor point we share with each other as nurses.

The first difference between The Nurturer and The Mother is that nurturing is compassionate, not controlling. It involves empathy and understanding, allowing people the space to be themselves. There is a protective aspect of mothering that can sometimes come off as controlling, even when it’s done with good intentions. As nurses, we must understand that nurturing requires us to focus on the patient's needs, offering care that aligns with their autonomy and wishes. We see them for who they are and what they are capable of doing.

The next difference is that nurturing supports emotional regulation and resilience. Offering comfort exists in both The Nurturer and The Mother, but the way comfort is given makes the distinction clear. The Nurturer provides guidance and has faith in a patient’s self-determination. We create space for people to process difficult information, following their lead in how they wish to begin healing. Mothering, on the other hand, can unintentionally shelter individuals from facing difficult feelings or situations, which can stunt emotional growth and self-regulation. Emotional regulation isn’t something we’re born with—it must be taught and practiced. To support your patients' emotional regulation, you must first value and cherish your own emotional well-being. This is why I created the 3-Week NP Job Hack Program, to help reprogram your emotional, mental, and physical approach to your own dreams. The reality is, as you’ve likely told your patients many times, if you don’t value and support yourself, it becomes much harder to find those around you who will.

This brings us to the third difference: nurturing must include self-nurturing as a cornerstone of practice. Many times, our own wounds or pain points from how we were nurtured as children can influence how we care for others. If left unaddressed, this can cause us to overcompensate in our nursing role. Nurturing is not just about giving to others—it’s about taking care of your own needs and wants, celebrating your wins, and comforting your losses. It’s about establishing boundaries and standards for how you engage with others. Mothering can sometimes lead to neglecting these needs, which ultimately results in neglecting yourself while caring for others. As much as we dislike hearing it, the truth remains: pouring from an empty cup happens far too often in nursing, and it leads to a lot of resentment.

The next difference is that nurturing fosters community and healthy connections with others. The Nurturer creates deep, meaningful connections by being present and supportive. When you nurture yourself, you are better able to connect with your family, your colleagues, and the patients you care for. You understand the importance of community because of your role as The Nurturer. Mothering can teach community too, but it often begins from a place of dependence and reliance. This is not the foundation of The Nurturer. As a nurse, when you embrace nurturing, you empower everyone around you to seek the knowledge and tools to take charge of their health and lives—rather than doing it for them.

The final difference is that nurturing is holistic in its approach. The Nurturer takes into account the physical, emotional, and psychological needs of patients. As nurses, we are taught to care for the whole person every single day. Mothering, however, can sometimes be too focused on the immediate care of the person in front of them—making them feel okay in the moment. But long-term well-being is the backbone of nursing and midwifery. It’s something we must remember and practice often in our care.

These differences may feel blurred at times, but acknowledging The Nurturer within you is essential to making it real and clear for yourself. Nurses are not patients' mothers, yet we often experience the same frustration, exhaustion, and feelings of being overlooked and underappreciated that mothers express in their daily lives. To avoid feeling like just another nurse in the crowd, you must consciously decide to preserve your emotional well-being by exploring and embracing the spirit of The Nurturer within you.

Think about a time when you felt you were "mothering" rather than nurturing.

• How did this affect you emotionally and physically?
• What signs did you notice that you might have been overextending yourself?
• How could you have shifted this to a more nurturing, balanced approach?

With fervent peace,

Liz